It's Kind of Like Getting Married... Again

This morning I was telling my friend Andrea how the next 7 weeks might never pass. I have trouble concentrating at work, I am tired and anxious, and all I think about is the baby. I know my life is about to change drastically and all I can really do is wait for it. She said, "It sounds like a wedding!" and she's right, it does and it's not that different (at this stage).

For the second time in two and a half years, I am about to make a major, forever-life-altering change. The first was getting married. And that was a big change! I was so excited it was all I could do to sit in my chair at work from 8-5 every day. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to announce myself as "Sarah Szilagyi," rather than as the "Sarah Wuerth" I had been for 30 years. I couldn't wait for friends and family to visit, and to dance the night away with my soon to be husband... and then to go on a honeymoon on top of it all!

Now, I can't imagine announcing myself as someone's mom. Having another person depend on me for everything. I imagine myself walking the stroller around the neighborhood, into stores, and waking up multiple times every night to tend to the little munchkin. I am alternately scared shitless and elated beyond my own wildest dreams. I honestly thought I might never want to be a mom, so being this excited is kind of crazy and of course lucky-- being that it's happening regardless.

I don't know what motherhood will bring. But I simply cannot wait to meet the little baby that is poking its way out of my hip as I type. Suffice to say I also cannot wait to have that poking stop and to marvel at my beautiful baby as I hold a glass of wine.

You Have No Idea How You'll Feel

if you are pregnant, or have ever been pregnant you must feel my pain here. I have heard this phrase so many times I could puke. The discussion about how/if/when I will return to work always leads to this sentence.

The conversation begins with someone asking about my leave. I disclose that as a business owner, I can't take a traditional leave, and will be back to work in a small capacity within 3 weeks. SCREEEECH!!!! The maternity leave conversation comes to a halt as Ms. Doe Eyes looks at me in panic for my situation. Then the old, "well, you'll see. You just don't know how you'll feel. I simply couldn't imagine going back to work after I had my first baby."

I get it. It's not easy, you're world is in upheaval, you love your new little muffin to death (at least I hope so, we'll see), and the career escalator is no longer a top priority. On that level I really do get it.

But the way people say this to me is like all of a sudden I am going to become an alien version of myself and be willing to live on nothing but rice in order to stay home.

As the breadwinner in our little soon-to-be family, it is first of all not an option to stay home with Muffin. So I guess on that level I resent the shock and horror I see in Doe Eyes' face because there is simply nothing I can do about it.

However in addition, I have a great work situation and a great team-- and it's important to me. Am I really going to decide after giving birth to Muffin that nothing else matters except him or her? And if I do, God help me, what will I do when Muffin Goes to College?

The Tub is OK but the Jacuzzi is Not. Huh?

I am going to bash this notion once and for all. When you find out you're pregnant, one of the first things you hear is "no jacuzzi for you!" I followed this advice because it made sense at first. The idea is you can't raise your core temperature too high or you'll "cook your baby." (Enter weird, gross images I immediately get of growing a hard boiled egg inside my stomach.)

I even spent a day at the spa with my mom which was awesome, and sat primly on the side of the large comfy hot tub dangling my legs while she indulged. So from a woman that tried to follow the rules, let's have at it.

You see, once you get to about 6 months pregnant, you get sore. Your back hurts. Your feet hurt. Your ankles are swollen and the only thing you think about at the end of the day is a nice hot bath. Your doctor and pretty much every prego site out there encourages bath time for preggie, too. It reduces stress, reduces swelling, and makes you feel a lot nicer all over.

Well now I am 7 months pregnant and my crappy bathtub that holds about 6 gallons of water not only doesn't cover my body but I swear soon I will have to wedge myself in and will need a crane to get me out. We have an killer Jacuzzi sitting in our beautiful backyard, just downstairs and I have found myself literally dreaming about it.

So I did some research. And I did some more. Because truthfully I am a nervous person and the last thing I want to do is the *wrong* thing. But I gotta tell ya, there's really no evidence that going in the Jacuzzi is a problem. Some sites say it's ok if the water is 100 degrees or under. Now I am not a doctor and this is NOT medical advice so please don't take me as the end all be all-- but here's my conclusion for myself:

Jacuzzi is A-OK. If it is hot, don't stay in too long. If you water has broken, don't go in because that Bromine or Chlorine can't be too good. And if 5-10 minutes in a Jacuzzi that fits your body will help you out, do it. Don't think twice.

You will know if you are getting overheated. And then it is time to get out. Come on girls let's start trusting our own instincts here and be reasonable. Let's try to be as comfortable and as reasonable as possible during our pregnancies. Good luck and carry on! (haha)

Hmmmm...Am I... Happpy?

The last few days I have been feeling weird. I've been trying to describe it to people and they best description I could come up with was "Prozac-ed". I know that's probably not very PC but truthfully that's what it is. No serious emotions, no serious happiness, frustration, stress, or anything. For the first time ever, I am just "here."

"What is this strange feeling," I keep asking myself? And then, "when will it go away?"

After having lunch with Andy earlier this afternoon, I think I've found the root cause although I am no more at ease with it. I think I am what people call "content." Is it possible? That after 32 years I am experiencing a truly contented feeling for the first time in my life? I am not used to this! I am thinking perhaps I've been on an emotional roller coaster most of my life without knowing it.

I've always gauged my feelings as "happy" or "upset." No in-between-- and I gotta tell you, there might be something to this in-between. Of course, I would never give up the happy feelings I am missing a little at the moment- but I am mellow! Relaxed! Feeling on top of things! It's kind of ridiculous.

Maybe it's hormones, or maybe I am just coming into a wonderful part of life. I am not sure. But At least for the rest of today, since I am a tried-and-true Type A, I am not going to just let this be. I am going to work on accepting how I feel and learning to enjoy it. I'll report back.

80 Days....

80 days seems so much longer than 11 weeks. I'll stick to 11 weeks to go. I've been trying to remain as active as possible. Yesterday Andy and I spent the day in the yard weeding, mulching, and later cleaning out the garage. I guess we are both nesting. Or on the other hand, we really just have a shit load of work to do before we know our lives will become consumed by Roter (our baby's nickname, a mix between Roma and Porter).

Our friends had a baby last night and boy was I jealous! Somehow it feels like I am stuck being pregnant longer than everyone else which is of course ridiculous.

The truth of the matter is this is rather boring. But amazing at the same time. Every time Roter moves or kicks, I am reminded of how special this all is. But when I want to go out and not get tired, or to fit into my regular jeans, or have a glass of wine in our NEW back yard, I am less-than-thrilled with my current physical status.

Anyway I began this blog for two reasons:\
1. as a sort of journal for myself and maybe the baby later on...
2. to vent and think about all the things pregnancy and the medical establishment put you through

Today I am skewing journal...
woke up stiff as hell, as usual. Came downstairs and turned on my favorite Sunday show-- Sunday Morning. I heart sunday mornings in general. And this morning I tailor-sat on the carpet with a cup of coffee for about 45 minutes then stretched out. It felt SO good. One thing I have noticed in pregnancy is that since life slows down so drastically, you begin taking the time to really appreciate small things, like taking 10 minutes to stretch. Or sit in the back yard and just look at the trees. It's very different from how I have ever been before and I like this new emerging part of myself.

Later this morning Kris and I met up for a dog walk and Dutchie was a little angel. Then got to see Andy at TJ's while I picked up snacks for tonight's 5th Bradley class.

Eek! Our 5th. We barely practice. We are both nervous, and not sure how this whole "natural birth" thing will go. It's difficult because Andy works so many nights-- but we also just forget. Part of me thinks hey, Roter is coming out one way or another so this isn't really a test I can fail, right?

Now I need to research episiotomies to report in class so off I got. Happy Day 80 B.R. (Before Roter)

First Go

I just decided to start this morning on a little blog for myself, to document what's happening and how I am feeling about it all. I am 28 weeks pregnant, due September 16 but hooked on the date September 28 in my mind for some reason. We'll see if I am right. We don't know what we are having, we decided to let it be a surprise and for us it's been a great choice. We have a lot of fun wondering who this little baby will be.

I also spend a fair amount of time worrying about who this baby will be. I've been healthy throughout my pregnancy so far: Eating well, drinking milk a lot, taking my prenatals, exercising, getting lots of rest. However my one vice has been 1-2 glasses of wine a week. I'd say 12-14 oz a week. I decided early on that intellectually I believe this is completely ok for me and for my baby and Andy even thinks it might be beneficial as a stress-reducer. However the emotional side of me gets worried and even a little angry-- at the admonishments against drinking and other things aimed at pregnant women.

I've done significant research at this point on the effects of alcohol on the fetus and health of newborns. While there is absolutely NO evidence that 2 drinks a week could harm a baby, it seems the medical establishment and might I say many self-righteous mothers and pregnant women have decided once we're impregnated we lose the ability to make rational choices.

I've read that since people tend to lie about how much they drink, that doctors can't tell pregnant women a small amount of alcohol is safe because they will "abuse the pass." LOL. Seriously? Am I all of a sudden a freaking golden retriever who will eat until my food is taken out from under me? This is both insulting and unfair. Well educated, rational women like myself are having to look like "bad mothers" for being willing to come out and say we think it is ok to eat a cold cut or drink some wine.

I get it-- that since they can't really study this topic ethically, they have to say no amount has been "proven" safe. But they should also say that only about 5 drinks a day or more have been "proven" unsafe. it really is a personal decision as to what you eat and drink during pregnancy. You're given the list and recommendations, but in my opinion this is the first step at being a good parent: Do you follow word for word what some group of litigiously-freaked-out doctors and lawyers say like a lemming, or do you listen to the advice, do a little research, and make a decision for yourself? If I were a lemming, here are the things I would not eat or drink:

Coffee

tea

herbal tea (no studies on the effects of those herbs have proven safe either!)

cold cuts

blue cheese

brie cheese

goat cheese

feta cheese

sushi

wine and beer

soda

tuna

halibut and other bottom fish or large fish

hamburgers or steak with any "pink"

undercooked eggs (meaning runny yolks or yucky runny whites? I really have no idea.)

I am sure there is more. But here's the great part: Eat all the cake and ice cream you want! Sugar must be GREAT for the baby based on the advice I've read and heard. Jesus.

I am not bucking any of these suggestions as a whole. I am just saying come on people. If you think this stuff through, it makes no sense. Everything we eat carries some level of risk whether it's from ingredients not "proven" safe, or from preservatives and other chemicals.

I think it's time for all of us pregnant women to quit worrying about the decisions we've made. We made them with good reason. We can make choices for ourselves (despite our fragile condition) and this does NOT mean we don't love our babies nor are we unwilling to sacrifice. It means we're starting right off the bat making what we consider to be sane, educated decisions for ourselves and our children and we hope to practice this behavior for the next 18 or more years.